YOLO Ain't Easy

Anxiety tends to leak out of me where I feel each decision always has to be the right one. Cancer doesn't take breaks and I worry this leaves little room for error. I'm constantly reviewing my mental check list, "What can I do right now to be healthier? Can I meditate more? Physical therapy?" The scary part, is I was already a perfectionist before all this!

I have a few months before my next scans. So often my wife and I hear from people, "Go live it up... I mean YOLO, right?!" They describe all the adventures and experiences they'd be off to if it were them.

For us, it just never feels that easy. I have limited mobility and endurance, but more importantly, I'm trying/praying/expecting to live. Every day requires planning and energy for keeping up with all the uber healthy habits I've learned. That carries over to travel.

And to really enjoy vacation, you want to let go and blow some steam. For me, that usually involves some drinking and eating foods which aren't ideal for fighting cancer. Half the time I think to myself, "Every statistic is pointing to your demise - go fucking enjoy yourself!" But I just can't ever seem to totally go there. And so I struggle whenever I divert from the perfectionist path. It's a constant internal conflict.

Finally, no matter where you are, sometimes it's just hard to relax due to the stress. I try to ride every wave of joy as long as I can, but it's only a matter of time until the next reminder wipes me out back to the harsh realities of cancer.

The one thing I'm learning, however, is the importance of moments. Each one is so much more special these days. I do want the fun of exploring new places, and the warmth of being around loved ones. The YOLO preachers have a valid point and I'm working on coming more around to it.

Like all of us, I'm just trying to do the best I can every day. One day at a time.