BMWs and Chocolate
I remember cruising around the Bay Area’s Stinson Beach right during sunset. Radiohead's "High And Dry" blasted from the speakers of the BMW my friend had just bought, a purchase which both excited and worried him. There had been some stress around the price tag afterwards but this moment served as the perfect validation. Everything had come together just right. It was pure magic and a reminder that sometimes you just gotta live...
One of my biggest takeaways this year was really learning the value of consistent joy. In 2016, I took on chemo and multiple surgeries but still had several recurrences so I had to try a different approach. I went all out on holistic regimens: juicing around the clock, colonics, infrared saunas... I tried to fill every second with something.
This kept my mind busy, but looking back the obsession of 'what can I do right now that will make me healthier' may not have been… well, all that healthy. I tormented myself with overthinking and self criticism whenever I felt that I hadn't lived up to my inner perfectionist. And it's hard to blame myself. When you’re facing a rare cancer with no rulebook on how to survive (what works for others hadn't been working for me), it can feel like every move has to be the right one. You don’t have the luxury of the learning curve that you so badly need.
After all that hard work, I looked extremely healthy but still experienced more recurrences. It wasn't stopping the cancer cells.
Realizing this, however, did provide some relief because I felt justified in being able to loosen up and ever since, I've been more flexible with my diet. I'll have an occasional glass of wine with my wife and friends. I drank some tequila on a recent trip to Tulum. And every night, I have a square or two of 90% cocoa dark chocolate, which tastes like cardboard to the average person, but to me feels super indulgent (even better frozen).
I don't know for sure what impact all this will have, although I can definitely say my quality of life has improved.
Sometimes joy gets the short end of the stick among other priorities but I now try my best to cherish the special moments each day: catching up with friends, diving into a good movie, mindfully listening to music on the big speakers... I’m working to make more time for these things, even if it’s not always easy or natural.
There will always be more stress; the last thing I want is to look back one day and realize I missed out on enjoying the good stuff.
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