Smiles and Cries
Last Tuesday was just one of the days... It started with an early morning voicemail from an unrecognized number which turned out to be the oncology team at MSK sharing a fantastic update: my most recent CT scan showed no new sign of disease.
After registering the message, Kori immediately burst into tears and I went into a state of shock. We had such a surplus of pent up anxiety and were prepared for a full day of waiting by the phone. When the stakes are so high even good news rocks you hard and takes time to process.
I also had to check myself later with the realization that while this was clearly a win, my history of recurrences requires much more time to rule out currently undetectable cancer cells.
Even if the risk remains on high alert, I can only take things one day at a time and I'm extremely grateful because it certainly could have been worse. The win also unexpectedly turned out to be an important morale boost for the family because later that day my grandfather passed away.
Murray or 'Grandaddy' lived an incredible 97 years which included marrying his childhood sweet heart, Phyllis, or Mamare as we called her (who passed a few years ago) - and he left behind an adoring family.
My grandparents were made to be role models - warm, sweet people that valued love and family over money. They brought everyone together during holidays and spread wholesome values from the top down. I still tend to think of them as a duo - the wise, kind hearted heads of state - because they were always together spreading warmth and love wherever they went.
They were also my biggest cheerleaders. It broke their hearts when I was diagnosed. Mamare was a regular commenter on all my older blogs and would keep Grandaddy up to date. During reiki classes last year, I was told to tap into the higher spirits who would look out for me - something along those lines at least... Mamare was the one who came to mind. Always giving me strength. Now, hopefully Grandaddy is back beside her.
It's really hard to come to terms with losing the two calming stabilizers that have been there my whole life. Especially when everything has been so chaotic. If there's one positive, Grandaddy passed peacefully with his children beside him, and gets to rejoin his true love all while having lived an extraordinarily long and satisfying life.
That's the way to do it... Being relatively young for someone battling cancer, I think about death more than I'd like - and it's awful to consider I'd be leaving almost everyone else I know behind; such a cold and empty feeling.
Interestingly enough, Grandaddy waited to hear the positive news on my health before he passed. As usual, he was keeping step with Mamare who also passed shortly after receiving word of my clear CT scan after chemotherapy in 2016.
Right there is major motivation to keep fighting and regain my health for them. I know they'll be sending strength from above and I'm so lucky to have been touched by such exceptional people. Not a day will go by that I don't miss them and tap into their love. It's just in a different place now.
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